Some lazy blagging. Why not?

In a feat of unprecedented intellectual laziness, I’m be reposting a facebook note that was stolen from this very blog. It’s those Chuck Kloisterman Answers. I figure they might offer a glimpse into my evil atheistic head. Or an introductory look at my evil atheistic writing style. Or just take up space.

1. Think about your life. Think about the greatest thing you have ever done, and think about the worst thing you have ever done. Try to remember what motivated you to do the former, and try to remember what motivated you to do the latter…How similar are these two motives?

My response is basically the same as Ian, worst was out of lust, best out of ambition. I got a feeling most people my age (or at least most guys) would answer the same. Using the extremely loose definitions that come to mind I’d say they’re almost exactly opposite

2. Think of someone who is your friend (do not select your best friend, but make sure the person is someone you would classify as “considerably more then an acquaintance”). This friend is going to be attacked by a grizzly bear. Now this person will survive the attack; that is guaranteed. There is a 100 percent chance that your friend will live. However, the extent of his injuries is unknown; he might receive nothing but a few superficial scratches, but he also might lose a limb (or multiple limbs). He might recover completely in twenty-four hours with nothing but a great story, or he might spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Somehow you have the ability to stop this attack from happening. You can magically save your friend from the bear. But his (or her) salvation will come at a peculiar price: if you choose to stop the bear, it will always rain. For the rest of your life, wherever you go, it will be raining. Sometimes it will pour and sometimes it will drizzle-but it will never not be raining. But it won’t rain over the totality of the earth, nor will the hydrological cycle de disrupted; these storm clouds will be isolated, and they will focus entirely on your specific where-abouts. You will also never see the sun again. Do you stop the bear, accepting the lifetime of rain?

I’d stop the bear and then travel around to drought stricken areas of the world (or become a farmer). I don’t mind the rain and if it rained as bad as yesterday, I could just go inside. Never seeing the sun would mean I’d turn into a seriously pasty cliché engineer, but sicking a grizzly on someone for that kind of vanity is insane.

3. Assume everything about your musical tastes was reversed overnight. Everything you loved, you now hate; everything you once hated, you now love. If your favorite band has always been REM, they will suddenly sound awful to you, they will become the band you dislike the most. Everything will become its opposite, but everything will remain in balance (and the rest of your personality will remain unchanged). So-in all likelihood-you won’t love music any less (or any more) then you do right now. There will still be artists you love and who make you happy; they will merely be the artists you currently find unlistenable. Now, I concede that this transformation would make you unhappy. But explain why.

How would that make me unhappy? I’d need to change all the songs on my phone, and spend a fortune on new CD’s, but otherwise I’d still love listening to music. I’d need to go hunting for new music, which’d be really fun. It’d be a minor inconvenience at most, and on the plus side, I’d be able to enjoy a night at Ezzie’s or the Ranch.

4. At the age of thirty, you suffer a blow to the skull. The head trauma leaves you with a rare form of partial amnesia-though otherwise fine, you’re completely missing five years from your life. You have no memory of anything that happened between the ages of twenty-three and twenty-eight. That period of your life is completely gone; you have no recollection of anything that occurred during that five year gap.
You are told by friends and family that-when you were 25-you (supposedly) became close friends with someone you met on the street. You possess numerous photos of you and this person, and everyone in your life insists that you and this individual were best friends for over two years. You were (allegedly) inseparable. In face, you find several old letters and e-mails from this person that vaguely indicate you may have even shared a brief romantic relationship. But something happened between you and this individual when you were 27, and the friendship abruptly ended (and apparently-you never told anyone what caused this schism, so it remains a mystery to all). The friend moved away soon after the incident, wholly disappearing from your day-to-day life. But you have no memory of any of this. Within the context of your own mind, this person never existed. There is tangible proof that you deeply loved this friend, but-whenever you look at their photograph-all you see is a stranger.
Six weeks after your accident, you are informed this person suddenly died.
How sad do you feel?

“oh, well that’s unfortunate”
I’d feel about as sad as I did at hearing that some celebrity had died. I knew their name. I knew what people had told me about them. I didn’t really know them, I would feel little to no emotional attachment, and therefore no personal loss. It’d be a shame that they had died so young, and I’d feel bad for their friends and family.
The loss of my memories would be terrible though, I intend to enjoy my life and remember most of it. life is short.

5. You work in an office performing a job that you find satisfying (and which compensates you adequately). The company that employs you is suddenly purchased by an eccentric millionaire who plans to immediately raise each person’s salary by 5% and extend an extra week of vacation to all full-time employees.
However, this new owner intends to enforce a somewhat radical dress code: every day men will have to wear tuxedos, tails and top hats (during the summer months, men will be allowed to wear three piece grey suits on “casual Fridays”). Women must exclusively work in formal wear, preferably ball gowns or prom dresses. Each employee will be given an annual $500 stipend to purchase necessary garments, but that money can only be spent on work related clothing. The new regime starts in 3 months. Do you seek employment elsewhere?

Hell no. Unsurprisingly, I think that’d be really cool. As long as the office was properly air conditioned(if it wasn’t, I’d push for it) I would enjoy the idea of wearing a tux for work (I’m sure it’d get old after awhile, but until then..). Me and my coworkers have joked before about buying cheap suits and wearing then onsite at least once, why not? Plus, if I needed to go to any formal events, I would need to worry about choosing which was the appropriate attire (from my superman closet of tuxedos and suits) rather than fretting about renting one. Also, If my boss was that strange, he’d certainly be interesting to talk to.

6. You have been wrongly accused of a horrific crime: Due to a bizarre collision of unfortunate circumstances and insane coincidences, it appears that you have murdered a prominent U.S. senator, his beautiful young wife, and both of their infant children. Now, you did not do this, but you are indicted and brought to trial.
Predictably, the criminal proceedings are a national sensation (on par with the 1994 O.J. Simpson trial). It’s on television constantly, and it’s the lead story in most newspapers for almost a year. The prosecuting attorney is a charming genius; sadly, your defense team lacks creativity and panache. To make matters worse, the jury is a collection of easily confused sheep. You are found guilty and sentenced to four consecutive life terms with virtually no hope for parole (and – since there were no procedural mistakes during the proceedings – an appeal is hopeless).
This being the case, you are (obviously) disappointed.
However, as you leave the courtroom (and in the days immediately following the verdict), something becomes clear; the “court of public opinion” has overwhelmingly found you innocent. Over 95 percent of the country believes you are not guilty. Noted media personalities have declared this scenario “the ultimate legal tragedy.” So you are going to spend the rest of your life amidst the general population of a maximum-security prison…but you are innocent, and everyone seems to know this.
Does this knowledge make you feel (a) better, (b) no different, or (c) worse?

Being in jail would suck. Public opinion wouldn’t really change that for me.

7. You are offered a Brain Pill. If you swallow this pill, you will become 10 percent more intelligent than you currently are; you will be more adept at reading comprehension, logic, and critical thinking. However, to all other people you know (and to all future people you meet), you will seem 20 percent less intelligent. In other words, you will immediately become smarter, but the rest of the world will perceive you as dumber (and there is no way you can ever alter the universality of this perception).
Do you take this pill?

Depends on the details of the way it works. Chances are I’m going to wind up in academia. Ideally doing research that somehow benefits humanity. If the prevailing opinion of me was

“How in the world could someone so friggen dumb do such brilliant research?!?”

I’d probably be alright with it.
Unless the dumb perception extended to any work I did(in which case I would be labeled as a crackpot, a cool consolation prize I suppose), I would still have some kind of benefit (either socially or scientifically). I could probably deal with that, or publish under a fake name(would that work?). The arrogant nerd in me is also saying that a 20% dumber perception wouldn’t be all that bad, would it? (don’t answer that)

8. You begin watching a new television series, and you immediately find yourself strongly relating to one of the supporting characters. You’ve never before experienced a TV character that seems so similar to yourself; this fictional person dresses, behaves and talks exactly like you. And – slowly, over the course of several episodes – the similarity grows spooky; on two separate occasions, the character recounts personal anecdotes that happened in your real life. The actor portraying this character begins mimicking your mannerisms. In at least three different episodes, the character’s dialog quotes things that you have said (verbatim) during casual conversation.
You become convinced that this is neither coincidence nor mental illness: somehow, this character is being actively based on your life. The show’s writers generally depict the “you” character in a positive manner, but – as far as you can tell – you don’t know anyone involved in the show’s production or creation. It’s totally inexplicable.
You have two friends who also watch this show. One of them is certain that your theory is correct and that (somehow) the character is, in fact, based on your life. She tells you to get a lawyer. The second friend concedes that many of the similarities are amazing, but that the whole notion is ridiculous, impossible, and egocentric. He tells you to see a therapist.
How do you respond to this situation? Do you do anything?

I’d watch the show, I’m fucking awesome.

9. If given the choice, would you rather (a) only abide by the rules and moral of society that you personally agree with, or (b) have the power to slightly adjust the rules and morals that currently exist (but these adjustment would then apply to you and everyone else, all the time)?

The second one sounds like an awful lot of responsibility, but then I’d always be right. I think society as it is doing pretty well, so I probably wouldn’t change much anyway. But who am I to dictate absolute morality? Come to think of it, I mostly reject the idea of absolute morality, so basicry, this question is kind of meaningless…

10. You are placed in the unenviable position of having to compete for the right to stay alive.
You will be matched against a person of your own gender in a series of five events- an 800-meter run, a game of Scrabble, a three-round boxing match, a debate over the legalization of late-term abortion ( scored and officiated by reputable collegiate judges) and the math portion of the SAT.
In order to survive, you must win at least three of these events (your opponent will be playing for his or her life as well). However, you (kind of) get to pick your opponent: you can either (a) compete against a person selected at random, or (b) you can compete against someone who is exactly like you. If selected at random, the individual could be of any age or skill level-he/she might be an infant with Down syndrome, but she might also be an Academic All-American linebacker from Notre Dame. If you pick “the average human,” he/she will be precisely your age and will have an identical level of education, and the person will be a perfect cross-section of your particular demographic-he/she will be of average height and of average weight, with a standard IQ and the most normative life experience imaginable.
So whom do you select? Or-perhaps more accurately-do you feel that you are better than an average version of yourself?

I’m pretty sure I’d take the average me, I would get whalloped in the boxing match, and scrabble would be really close (okay, I’d probably get demoed at that too). But the 800m run I’m pretty sure I could do better than average, I could do the debate (given preparation time and a choice of sides) and I sincerely hope I would do better than average on the math part.
That said, I’m more or less at my prime for most of these events. I would do better than someone younger at most of these and the same scenarios as above really hold for someone older.

11. It is 1933. You are in Berlin, Germany. Somehow you find yourself in position to effortlessly steal Adolf Hitler’s wallet. This theft will not affect Hitler’s rise to power, the nature of World War II, or the Holocaust. There are no important papers in the wallet, but the act will cost Hitler forty Reichsmarks and completely ruin his evening. You do not need the money. The odds that you will be caught are less than 2% but if caught you will be executed. Are you ethically obligated to steal Hitler’s wallet?

Not even a little bit. By almost any measure of morality I ought not to do it.
It’d to nothing to mitigate the atrocities he would go on to commit, he’d probably blame the Jews for his wallet being stolen and be that much angrier. I’d be interested to hear a case for why I should (other than a cool story to tell, or for asshole points, which totally exist as of now).

12. How would your views about war, politics and the role of the military change if all future conflicts were fought by armies of robots (that is to say, if all nations agreed to conduct wars exclusively with machines so that human casualties would be virtually non-existent)?

I’d still see it as a childish cockfight. The side with bigger guns still wins, society loses. The war would still cause the same shortages and diversions as resources are dumped into building more, bigger robots. A cold war arms race would lead to some interesting technological advancements, but they would still be for the same idiotic purpose (it would also divert money away from non-robot research, like cancer. not so cool).

13. You are in a plane crash in the Andes Mountains, not unlike those people from the movie Alive. As such, you will be forced to consume the human flesh of the people who died on impact; this will be a terrible experience but it is the only way for you to survive. Fortunately, you did not know any of the victims personally.
Would you rather eat a dead baby, or would you rather eat a dead elderly person? Would gender play a role in your selection process? And how much would it bother you if this meat turned out to be delicious?

Babies don’t have a lot of meat on them, so I would need to eat a lot of them (which would put me on the fast track to replace Steven Harper as PM, but it’d be a horrible experience on the way). An old lady would have more food but she’d have much more chance of having some kind of disease. So I’d probably go for the babies. If it was delicious, it probably wouldn’t bother me that much, meat is good stuff, If I liked it enough and kept catching myself wanting to eat more people I’d probably seek a little help(or join a cult).

14. Is there any widespread practice more futile than attempting to predict society’s future relationship with technology?

Yes. A lot of them. Technology is real, and it does follow a few general patterns (like Moore’s law). A few pundits have decent track records, the timescales are often waaay off, but that’s natural.

15. While traveling on business, your spouse (whom you love) is involved in a plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. It is assumed that everyone on board has died. For the next seven months, you quietly mourn. But then the unbelievable happens: it turns out your spouse has survived. He/She managed to swim to a desert island, where he/she lived in relative comfort with one other survivor (they miraculously located most of the aircraft’s supplies on the beach, and the island itself was filed with ample food sources). Against all odds, they have just been discovered by a Fijian fishing boat.
The two survivors return home vie helicopter, greeted by the public as media sensations. Immediately upon their arrival, there is an international press conference. And during this press conference, you cannot help but notice how sexy the other survivor is; physically, he/she perfectly embodies the type of person your mate is normally attracted to. Moreover, the intensity of the event has clearly galvanized a relationship between the two crash victims: they spend most of the interview explaining how they could not have survived without the other person’s presence. They explain how they passed the time by telling anecdotes from their respective lives, and both admit to admit to having virtually given up on the possibility of a tearful good-bye hug. It’s extremely emotional.
After the press conference you are finally reunited with your spouse. He/She embraces you warmly and kisses you deeply.
How long do you wait before asking if he/she was ever unfaithful to you on this island? Do you never ask? And if your mate’s answer is “yes,” would that (under these specific circumstances) be acceptable?

I would trust her to tell me. I would probably gauge acceptability on the timeline, if it had been a weekend stuck on the island, I would be much more hurt than if it had been four years (like the movie castaway where neither him nor his wife expected him back). If the answer was ‘yes’ I would at the least ask her not to see the guy again.

16. Let us assume you have the ability to telekinetically change culture while you actively experience it. Your mind can now dictate what you see and hear. For example, if you were listening to Pear Jam’s Yield and you wanted the music to be heavier, it would immediately sound as though Mike McCready’s guitar had been tuned differently in the studio. If you were watching The Office on NBC and decided that Jim should marry Pam (or Karen, or both), you could make it happen–all you would need to do is think about that specific desire. You could stare at an oil painting and unconsciously change the color contrasts. If a PG13 romantic comedy grew dull, you could force it to evolve into an eroticized NC-17 thriller. You could (essentially) write books as you read them, eliminating certain characters and redirecting plot points as the occurred in the text. However, such changes would only apply to your experience; you could kill off Han Solo at the end of Return of the Jedi, but that would not change the movie for anyone else. All other people would posses the same personal telekinetic powers as you.
Would you want this? And–if this became a reality–would art retain any meaning whatsoever?

AS much as the one TV show about me would be wicked, every piece of art being about what I feel would be really boring. I’m definitely not creative enough to make up every TV show out there, I’d run out of ideas much too fast and get sick of all entertainment.

17. You die from natural causes.
Upon death, you are absorbed skyward. You ascend toward a warm, white light. You immediately realize you have entered the afterlife…and (much to your surprise) it is exactly like the clichéd conventional, kindergarten version of Christian heaven. You enter through gates made of pearl. The ground is covered by a white, cloud like fog. Angels fly around you and play the harp. You are wearing a comfortable white robe. Everyone there is aimlessly walking around, smiling broadly, perfectly content; this, it seems, is how you will spend eternity.
Upon your arrival, you are greeted by Jesus (and he looks exactly like the stereotypical depiction of Jesus). “Welcome to heaven,” he says. “I think you will like it here, and I look forward to loving you unconditionally for the duration of time. But I also realize heaven isn’t necessarily for everyone, so I always give newcomers a chance to go to the other place, if that’s what they would prefer.”
“Are you referring to hell?” you say in response.
“Oh, no,” says Jesus. “Not hell. Certainly not hell. I would never send you to hell. But you can go to somewhere that isn’t here. It’s a viable post-life option. About 18% of our potential residents go in that direction.”
“What is the other place like?” you ask.
“I can’t tell you,” says Jesus. “But if you do elect to go there, you can never come back here. And you only have 20 minutes to decide.”
“Why only 20?” you ask.
“Because I am Jesus,” says Jesus.
What do you do?

I’d go for it, one last surprise would be great, maybe the angels all play guitars there( I play guitar, in case you were wondering), maybe there are millions of TVs always tuned to reruns of my awesome show in HD. The classic Heaven(TM) would be really boring. It’s a chance I’d be willing to take.

“If heaven only contains the pious, the righteous and the religious I would prefer to stay with the kings, the rock and roll stars and the loose women.”

– some anonymous dude on freethoughtpedia

18. The world is ending. It’s ending quickly, and it’s ending dramatically. It will either end at noon on your fortieth birthday, or it will end two days after you die (from natural causes) at the age of seventy-five. Which apocalyptic scenario do you prefer?

I want to be older than 40, but I also want to see the world end, it’d be cool to watch. Could it end 2 days before I would otherwise die?

19. You are given the chance to control what your legacy will be. You can’t specifically dictate how you will be recalled by future generations, but you are given the chance to choose between two general idioms of legacies.
The first kind of legacy (”option A”) would be that you lived your days as a good, honest person who worked hard and contributed to society. However, the limitation of this legacy will be that almost no one will know or remember this information (including future members of your own extended family). Most average people will never even know you lived.
The second kind of legacy (”option B”) will be familiar to almost everyone in the world for centuries to come. However, this legacy will be extremely strange and neutral; it will be an obscure fact that has almost nothing to do with your tangible day-to-day life (the best comparison being the legacy of General Tso Tsungtang, an extremely gifted and successful military leader during the seventeenth-century Qing Dynasty who is now exclusively remembered as the namesake for the popular Chinese dish General Tso’s chicken).
Which legacy do you want?

I’ve been thinking about this one for a few days actually, and I’m still not sure. Right now I’m leaning towards living a good, but forgotten life, and then winding up with something weird (like a variety of fluorescent pickles! why the hell is this the only thing I can think of?) named after me(Option B). The only problem is that my name would definitely be mispronounced (incidentally, I’ve spelt “definitely” wrong every single time I’ve tried to use it in this note, difinately).

[drawl] Gimme a Texas mega-burger with lotsa them Ellin Payon-style pickles, y’know that ones that glow, Billy Joe loves ’em [/drawl]

If there was an afterlife, any time I didn’t spend watching reruns of my show would probably be spent cursing ineffectively and wanting to throw lightning bolts at the people mispronouncing my pickles.

And Voilà! More than you could possibly want to know about Alan.